I started this blog to get things off my chest. To be honest with myself and the world and maybe find some answers to, ya know, life, as I go.
And today I felt it clear and sharp that nothing is in fact black and white. Specially not in relationships. People are not good or bad and so are not connections that we make with others in life. And even though situations may seem pretty clear looking from the outside, it will never be 100% for those of us who are emotionally invested. For those of us who are actually in the situation, seeing and realizing all aspects of it.
What am I rambling about? Heartbreak. Loss. We're people. We're all complex. And nothing that involves people is simply explained.
And just as shit's not black and white, it also takes time. As the saying “time heals everything” says. I'm still amazed by how much this is true.
And you can wish for this shit to be easy, uncomplicated and understandable. (It won't be, it never is.)
There are no shortcuts. No easy solutions.
And it fucking hurts.
And no matter how much you try to distract yourself, how much you drink or sleep around... If you won't deal with it it will still be there. I mean I knew that and that's why I tried to stop this toxic behavior right from the start. My point is that the loss cannot be ignored even thou you would like that. If the love was deep and real, that's how it's gonna hurt when it's gone.
Almost a year ago love disappeared from my life. And I thought, I hoped I was ok right away because it was me who hadn't been feeling it anymore. But it was also me who tried so hard not to loose the person because they were still my whole world (as absurd as it may sound). Today I realized I can't take it anymore.
I finally decided to be honest with myself in this matter. And I let it hurt for real this time. And it hurts like a motherfucker, it's still a loss. And it's, sadly, not black and white. I can't just pick one.
